Knowledge Obesity

A few months back I was in a pretty positive state of mind despite being in quarantine. But I think like most of us, we are pretty much over being alone. There were a few benefits- working from home, no commute time, more time for working out, more “me” time in general. But a few months later, it seems like life got hectic.

My day job became much busier and since we are all communicating through technology, it seems as though it’s technology all day, all the time- total overload. It was interesting because in the beginning, I was liking seeing everyone in teams/zoom meetings and how they were adapting- barking dogs, kids, tech dropping out, and some funny home issues. But then it became overwhelming, always being on screen. In my company everyone is always on video so when you don’t turn it on, it feels a little like being judged. Also many more reports became available and much more information being shared and dissected. I started researching this topic of tech overload and I’m not alone with my thoughts. It seems that during this work from home period, our access to information has grown exponentially.

It was interesting to find that someone has termed this issue “knowledge obesity”- a feeling of total overload of information similar to the term analysis paralysis.

This is a real thing. Last week, I was asked had to dissect a 15 tab excel report that someone had created and repurpose it for another project. After staring at it for about 2 days, I came to the realization that in its current state, it was completely paralyzing and I could not process the information it was telling me. Omg, “what is happening to me? I think my brain is no longer working.”

I did appreciate the intricacy and time and work that was put into this monstrosity and the realization that someone way smarter than me developed this report, however what I realized was that the human part of the work was missing. There was just too much going on in my brain to process what was handed to me. And then it hit me… I tore it apart and made what I called a silly, simple report- a term my last manager used over and over which I really came to appreciate. I whittled the more important information into to 3 pages- easy to navigate and easy to decipher. Fifteen tabs down to three. My mindfulness practice has made me realize that humanness and ease is what is needed more than ever in the workplace.

The same week of this aha, I was lucky enough to see a screening of a documentary coming out in a few months called The Portal. It’s about the conditioning of human behavior and how we create what we are. The story focuses on about 6 individuals and the intense trauma that they have faced. Mindfulness is woven through all the stories- the capacity to shift human attention and to optimize what we have. It’s a big genie out of the bottle topic that will continue to be on the forefront as humans deplete the earth and as technology continues to push boundaries and integrates deeper in to our lives.

I have been practicing meditation regularly for about a full year now and it has changed me. And this film, was about choice- choosing to climb up out of misery and hardship, to rise above the really bad and create positive out of the dirt. Everyone is recovering from something but you can never tell from the outside appearance the deep rooted pain that your neighbor, co-worker, friend, or family is carrying. Their experiences might trump your silly daily shit a 1000 times over.

This film made me think of my life, all of the trauma that runs deep into my core. When it all started, how I have been dealing with it, not dealing with it, and dealing with it again and again. It will always be there trying to cloud my judgement. I am really proud of how I evolved and survived.

For those that know me, you might think that I am strong, opinionated, stubborn and sometime ruthless. Yes. Others may think that I am overly compassionate and a pushover. Yes, to that too. But at least I am feeling… and always aspiring to be more neutral and seeing improvement.

Once again I have realized that I cannot ignore what is going on in the inside. Ever. And that my practices will always be there to help me feel. Feeling is dealing.

Mindfulness for life… trust the process. Sounds like a T-shirt in the making.

NEW AYURVEDA PROGRAM & SCHOLARSHIP OPPORTUNITY

I’m excited to announce that Yoga for Recovery Foundation  (YFR) and Lyndsay Paige, Ayurveda Health Counselor, are partnering together to offer several free scholarships to join the 10 week Group Coaching Program, Self-Care & Ayurveda

This course is for you if…

✔️ You work a demanding job and have trouble making time for yourself

✔️ You’re floating through life and crave direction

✔️ You feel stuck and want to find purpose

✔️ You want to trust your body instead of always questioning it

✔️ You want to move from surviving to thriving

✔️ You’re ready to take next steps and make yourself a priority

✔️ You want support whileadding healthy habits to your life

This course is not for you if…

❌ You want a quick fix

❌  You’re not committed to do the work that is required to change

❌  You’re expecting to receive individualized treatment for a specific disease

Lyndsay designed the group coaching program to get you UNSTUCK. You will learn the shortcuts to health, healing, and more happiness. It’s not about eliminating the unhappy times in life.​ It’s about learning to be happy in-spite of what is going on in the world around you.

When you join Self-Care & Ayurveda you will learn how to create habits that stick and a mindset to support a life that feels easeful even in the midst of difficult times.  You will learn to do this by:

  • Designing a self-care routine that fits your life, no cookie cutter to-do lists!
  • Having access to support from Lyndsay, an Ayurveda Health Counselor + a community of people, who are on a similar journey. 
  • Show up and be held accountable to yourself, every week, on the live coaching calls.

ACCOUNTABILITY + SUPPORT + SELF-CARE ROUTINE = A LIFE YOU LOVE

Self-Care and Ayurveda is the bridge that takes you from where you are to where you want to be. 

Here is how the process will work in the program:  (click here to access all program details)

Step 1 – Identify where you need support physically and mentally. When you get clear, you know where to place your focus. You will choose a specific area to focus on during the 10 week program (e.g. you want your mornings to feel less rushed, learn how to meditate so you can feel calm during the day, or cut back on fried food because it makes you feel lethargic)

Step 2 – Understand how stress affects the body and develop practices to manage through stress.  Establishing consistent, simple practices will have the largest impact. ​

Step 3 – Learn to calm down and believe in yourself!  Calm the nervous system and calm the mind. Learn to manage through stress, focus on your goals, and lean into your self-care practices (instead of running from problem to problem. Mindset is HUGE during this step.)

Step 4 – Design a customized self-care routine. Learn through experience and implement daily routines into your life. No to-do lists given! Only feedback and new ideas ☺️ We will continue to support mindset through diving into emotions through reflection and journaling.

Step 5 – Learn about the original healing science, Ayurveda (aka yoga for the inside of the body).  The focus will be on the 3 basic principles: sleep, food, and enjoyment of life. It’s important to understand how the seasons affect your body and how to work WITH NATURE, not against. 

Trust yourself, take care of you, and get clear about what you want. No one else can do this work!

Lyndsay understands everyone doesn’t have time for a salt bath or 1 hour meditation in the morning. This program is about designing a self-care routine that works for you, where you are in your life. It will take some trial and error, but when you have a shortcut and know where to start it takes a lot less time and feels easier (learn from someone who has been there!).

It’s not about getting rid of the stress in your life, it’s about thriving amidst adversity.

No doubt, 2020 has been chaotic.  We are in the midst of a social justice uprising and a global health crisis. Every day, essential workers are putting their health on the line to keep the world running (if that’s you – thank you!!).  Now is the time to prioritize YOU.  

It takes community and accountability to create habits that stick and see results. It is a maddening cycle to feel like you never have enough time to take care of you. Or attempting to “do the right things”, but always sliding back into old habits. You might find yourself questioning what the “right things” are because no one ever explained it to you. (You don’t know what you don’t know ❤️)

One thing is certain, you never get rid of the stress but you can always find a way to manage through it.  If you feel like something is missing in your life and you would like to join a community of people that are walking along the same path, towards self-discovery, health, and healing.  This is for you.  

It starts by taking one step forward and saying YES!  I’m ready for things to be different.

We invite you to enroll in Self-Care & Ayurveda.  Doors close on September 7 and spots are limited to 12 individuals.  Scholarship opportunities are limited to 3 individuals and taken on a first come first serve basis, with priority given to Black, Brown, Indigenous, and People of Color Individuals (BIPOC).

If you are interested in applying for the scholarship follow these steps:

1) Fill out the application 

2) Schedule your enrollment call with Lyndsay

For more information about Self-Care & Ayurveda please click here.

P.S. Did you miss the important stuff?

You matter. ❤️

And we want you to live a long, happy life. ✨ 

Click here to learn about the group coaching program, Self-Care & Ayurveda. It will forever change you!

Happiness, No-Motivation, and Finding Joy in Quarantine

What day is it, what month is it? I think summer is almost over…   Rinse, wash, repeat- everyday.

Message to a friend.

“Wat u doing?”

“Not much, smoking, making noise in my studio. What about you?”

“Relaxing, On Couch. Days just blurr together”

“Right?? Sure seems that way, damn”

“I’m not motivated to do shit”

I feel you…

Familiar?  Lots of time to think…  Everything has changed- really changed. Life is just really weird right now.  I had a very active life but somehow never realized it- Sample day- Get up at 5:30- Long Dog Walk or Run.  Yoga asana, sometimes meditation, sometimes pranayama, sometimes all 3- morning is a blur, regimented and rushed.  Leave for work 7:45. Arrive at work at 8:30. Work my brain really hard all day in an analytic corporate job, many projects, meetings all day.  Woof down something at my desk and don’t really take a break. Work till 5:30 ish- Then after work activities- taking German classes, teaching Yoga, taking Yoga, working for YFR, family, home stuff, going out to eat or cooking kinda late.  No time to relax. Bed by 10 pass out.  Totally full on packed day. Lots of people, talking, phone- active, active, active. Makes the weekends seem really worthwhile- shopping at different stores. Going out wherever, doing whatever. There are people everywhere all the time. I am a social being.

Typical day now.   Get up at 5:30- routine as before but adding more cardio. Shower, no commute-work from home. Sit in my home office all day. I have a stand up desk so stand some part of the day as well.  Half hour walk during lunch but it’s blazing hot but still go because I know I will be back in that office the rest of the day. Off work at 5:30, walk downstairs. Make dinner. Walk dog again, good chance I will see a person but keep far distance but will wave. Crap it’s still really, really, hot. Lop around after walk. Binge social and news.  Bed early. Repeat 4 more days exactly the same.

Weekends- no work but garden- ALOT, more dog walking, tennis with my man.  Long walks with my man. Lots of talking with my man. Beverage. New IPA’s.  Music of all kinds. Learning Poi.  Sit on deck. More surfing.  Movie, TV binging.  Sleep and sleep well- Sunday same except cook food for the week and maybe take a bi-monthly trip to a grocery store with a mask- OMG, I love going to the grocery store, there are people there. Some mask less science haters but mostly ok. So much fun! Whaattt?? Wow…my life has changed.

I have become accustomed to this routine and not hating it. I’m very lucky to be able to work from home and in an industry a little more resilient to COVID. I’m genuinely happy and I like the slow pace.  First time in over 23 years that I actually slowed it all down. I realized that have been creating joy in all of this madness!    I’m choosing and thinking about my life.  My real friends, friends that were downers, sides of friends I have never seen before, positivity, negativity.   Politics got real. My yoga got real…..  My feelings got real.  I am changed and making big decisions that will stick with me forever.  My time is valuable. I ordered kayaks and a huge tent and new sleeping bags. I’m outside much more that I have been in a very long time.

The mornings are relaxed.  I start work at 8:30AM – 3 hours of my own time before work-  at my own pace. I wake up without an alarm. I no longer need one and still get up around 5:30. I have lost 10 pounds since lock down. I don’t down coffee anymore- no coffee during the week at all.  I cook better food and eat way more.  I eat slower and mindfully at the kitchen table and eat a very solid healthy breakfast every day.  I don’t starve myself unintentionally and my eating routine is balanced and at the same each day. I get sun at min one hour every day. The sun is great. I don’t think I appreciated it much in a few decades.  I walk at least 25 miles a week and my practice is on point. I feel good in asana and I take real savasanas. I floss every day, no shortcuts and my teeth look and feel really great. My dog loves me soooo much.  We have become best friends and I love being around her all the time.   I hand knotted new a mala that is very light and practicing mantra with them feels amazing. Bonus- I don’t feel rushed to do my practice. I hang upside down a lot… my mind feels good. I think I’m getting a harmonium, don’t tell my hubby J  I HAVE FOUND REAL JOY IN THE MORNINGS!

I stopped working for YFR- and so did the rest of the staff.  Just stopped dead like it didn’t even exist anymore.  It had been moving really fast since we incorporated. Just when we could have been the mindfulness company that supported and helped everyone through this quarantine and stressful world, YFR and all staff just stopped.

My motivation to do anything was at a zero until this week.   No more taking any kind of classes and over doing life. It has been about four months. I feel healthy. Needed time to witness, feel the space and BREATHE.  

YFR has so many good things coming. Hiatus was good for us. Taking care of ourselves was a necessity.  There is joy and happiness in simplicity. Everybody is recovering from something®

Humanity is changing, it might seem negative from all the bitter chatter, but there is spiritual change underfoot. People are discovering their true selves and making smarter choices. The outcome will be good. 2020 is almost over. Change is coming.

Short and helpful meditation links for quieting the mind

YFR is happy to offer these short meditations that will bring some joy and ease during these unsettling times

Please watch this short 2 min video if you are new to meditation before you begin practice

https://youtu.be/aOoC3Wtw1C4

Day 1. Audio Meditation- Gratitude

Day 2. Audio Meditation centering on Patience

Day 3. Audio Meditation on Effort

Deep Calls to Deep: Processing Trauma through Deep Stretch Yoga

by Brook Blaylock

The sound of my membership card being scanned failed to signal transformation. I walked into that—and my deep stretch class—unsuspectingly. In class after class instructors talked about the potential of certain poses to rinse my body of toxins and negative energy, but I’d never really paid it much, if any, heed. I found such phrasing a humorous nod to the copious amounts of sweat hot yoga produced in practitioners. I kept “rinsing” myself right along with those numbers because yoga was the only exercise that slowed down my mind. Tormented by a constant barrage of often unwelcome thoughts and images, no other exercise inspired the mental calm of yoga. While this should have been enough on its own, I also appreciated the feeling of physical exhaustion a good vinyasa class engendered, sure evidence I was molding my body into better shape. 

Both motivations were counter-intuitive to the tenets of a sound yoga practice I heard about on my mat. I liked yoga because of the potential to “master” my mind and body, not my breath. It afforded me the feeling of control I desperately sought in every area of my life. By practicing, I tamed a mind whose chaos I longed to temper, and a body I longed to master with my mind.  Everything about my practice was about me controlling the parts of my physical and psychological being I feared would betray me—that I knew had betrayed me and would do so again. As someone suffering from PTSD and at times crippling anxiety, the only thing I wanted out of any kind of exercise was control.

Luckily, yoga forgave these motivations. It waited patiently while I forced myself into pigeon and crow poses, full wheels and triangles, all while ignoring the more “spiritual” facets of its flow. Before that fateful deep stretch class, my most spiritual experience had been falling out of crow pose and onto the top of my water bottle. In spite of the black eye my landing gave me, and the blood that preceded it, I finished the class. In my eyes that experience epitomized exactly what I wanted out of life and yoga: the strength to overcome bad circumstances, the perseverance to keep moving forward, to continue through both my yoga class and my future. Strength didn’t look like letting my body speak to me on my mat. It didn’t look like calming my mind so I could listen to its voice. Strength looked like forcing my body and mind to conform to both my will and the various contortions each yoga pose required.

In the midst of a particularly long pigeon, however, my body betrayed me. Somewhere in my piriformis muscle a memory I always kept contained unloosed alongside my hip flexor. There I was, three years old and trapped in the bathtub. Here I was, 42 years old and trapped on my mat. There I was, scared and breathing rapidly, praying he wouldn’t get in. Here I was, scarred and breathing rapidly, praying the power of this memory would subside. How could I possibly relive this in the middle of a deep stretch class for God’s sake? For the past year, I had been going to weekly therapy sessions employing EMDR, or eye movement desensitizing and reprocessing, in the hopes of moving the trauma of early sexual abuse from where it was stored in my amygdala, an area of the brain primarily associated with emotional processing, to an area of my brain in which I could safely interpret this experience.

In spite of all my therapy, and week after week of my counselor encouraging me to speak about what had happened so as to dissipate the trauma’s power, I remained unable to verbalize my abuse. The closest I had come had been to write out on paper a brief synopsis of what had transpired. Somehow, I couldn’t say the words aloud because I felt that if I said them the beliefs that went with them—I’m disgusting, shameful, bad—would immediately infect the listener with the same distorted view. They would immediately see me as the awful person I saw myself as in that moment. At this moment I felt those words un-stretching in the muscles of my hips and I felt myself sinking not deeper into my pose, but deeper into the corresponding despair.

It was at that point I remembered ujjayi breathing. I began to fill my lungs and breathe through my nose, praying for the memory to go away just like I sometimes prayed ujjayi breath might take away muscle pain. Amazingly, my body and mind calmed and there, in the most unlikely of places, sweating in a pigeon pose in the middle of a crowded room of yogis, I processed my trauma. God met me in between my ujjayi breathing and for the first time, I saw the scene of my abuse differently. I was not alone in that bathroom with my abuser. God stepped between us and lifted me out of the tub. He wrapped me in a hot white towel and carried me to safety. As I felt the heat of the towel enveloping my body, I felt the power of the words I associated with the abuse burning away. I was no longer disgusting, shameful, or bad. I no longer had to carry those words in my mind or in my body. Somehow, they had been trapped in both places, but the time I spent in pigeon pose enabled my body to drive them out, allowing a new narrative to replace them.

Turns out, it was entirely for my sake that God let me relive that memory in the middle of that deep stretch. During therapy, my body never relaxed. I went into every EMDR session tense and afraid of what might ensue. During deep stretch, the time I spent in poses afforded my body a level of openness I could never attain in a therapy session. While the idea of trauma actually being physically stored in one’s body is controversial and as yet unproved, I am convinced that yoga, in conjunction with traditional therapy, enabled me to process a traumatic event in a way that counseling alone never could.  According to Shaili Jain, a professor of psychiatry at Stanford University, “when…traumatic thoughts and memories remain unspeakable or unthinkable for too long, they impede our brain’s natural process of recovery after trauma. They become stuck points that inhibit the mental reintegration that is needed for healing to occur.”  Deep stretch yoga empowered my body to release this unspeakable memory and my mind to visualize the means by which I could begin a process of mental reintegration.

 Just like I had when I fell on my water bottle, I kept practicing until the end of class. However, I didn’t maintain the same definition of strength. I was only able to have an experience of healing, to reimagine the circumstances of my trauma and redefine its impact on my psyche, because the deep stretch class pushed my mind and body to a place beyond that of my control. When I accidentally stopped trying to control the effects of my practice, my practice began to positively affect me. My body found a space in which it could safely release trauma I had stored for decades and my voice soon followed. At the end of that class I found the strength to tell a friend who had been practicing beside me what had happened. What I had thought had been a betrayal was, in fact, a transformation. My body had a voice and by enabling it to “speak” in the midst of that stretch, I found the power to speak about my trauma and the strength to overcome it. I had an entirely new understanding of what it meant to find release through a yoga pose. 

Rise-Up: 5 Practices to Build Resilience and Cope with Adversity

by: Hope Smyth

They found her body nearly twenty-four hours after she died, submerged in the bathtub. The faucet continued to run as hot water turned cold. Eventually it leaked into the apartment below.  It would take the coroner’s office almost a month to release the final cause of death.  

The phone rang and I knew it was bad news. I picked it up. Shallow breath on the other end, a heavy pause before my stepfather spoke. In a shaky whisper he said, “two police officers were here.” I couldn’t quite digest the words the first time.  My ears turned hot; the room blurred, the ground felt unstable; suddenly, I was on my knees. My sister was dead at a mere thirty-two years old. 

It was a tumultuous childhood for both of us. Why does one sibling survive, while the other took her own life?  I have asked myself this question countless times.  Although, I will never know the answer, the word resilience resonates within. 

How we deal with setbacks, challenges and failures plays a significant role in our psychological and emotional health. Resilience is defined as the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; or thrive despite challengesResilience is a way to rise- up despite the adversity we face. No one knows for sure why some embody resilience and others succumb to despair. But research is optimistic that we can build resilience and it’s a skill anyone can learn.  

We can choose to create new neural pathways by participating in new activities that train our brains. The pathways get stronger through repetition. Psychologist Deann Ware Ph.D., states that when brain cells communicate frequently, the connection between them strengthens- With enough repetition these behaviors become automatic. Reading, driving, and riding a bike are examples of complicated behaviors that we do automatically because of neural pathways. Below are five strategies for overcoming life’s challenges as you build resilience.  

  1. Breath with Intention: 

There are numerous breathing techniques to help soothe and restore the parasympathetic nervous system. One is diaphragmatic breathing or belly breathing. Lay on your back, place one hand on your belly and the other on your chest.  Breathe in through your nose. As you inhale the hand on your belly will rise. Breathe out through your mouth and your hand will lower.  There are countless videos on the internet to guide this practice.  

  1.  Re-write your story: 

Changing or understanding your internal narrative is imperative.  We tend to ruminate on the details of a traumatic experience. Allow yourself to explore the event by writing it down. Create a safe space and take 10-20 minutes to free write. Don’t worry about grammar or punctuation. Just let the words spill to the page. Research shows that adding structure to chaos can help us gain a sense of control. Once the event loses power, go back, and see what you have learned about yourself or the experience. What have you gained despite the adversity? 

  1. The Practice of Self-Compassion: 

Self-compassion encourages us to approach our own suffering with warmth and kindness. Although it’s not an easy practice, we must first learn to love ourselves. I invite you to envision someone you love. A child, best friend or partner.  Imagine they come to you with the very same story. How would you comfort them?  Would you hug them, make them tea? Would you give them a safe space to express their anguish?  Whatever you would do for a loved one, do it for yourself. 

  1.  Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: 

Therapy is the gateway to emotional health. It provides a support network, it’s a safe place to explore emotional trauma while creating a plan of action to build your resilience. If you have tried therapy in the past and determined it was not for you, please try again. It can take a few tries to find a therapist that matches your personality. View it as a job interview or new date; sometimes, you need to explore a few options before you discover the right fit. 

  1.  Physical Self-Care: 

Get in your body and find activities that connect the body and mind. Yoga, mindfulness and walking are excellent examples. Of course, if those don’t speak to you, find something that does.  New research in neural and biological health indicates that mindfully integrating the body with cognitive behavioral therapy can help speed recovery.  

These are suggested practices. Be patient with yourself and remember real change takes time. 

Creating Joy

by Bari Kriependorf

A few weeks ago I took part in satsang at a small metaphysical shop in Charlotte. About 8 people came, and most of them like me were new to this group. The subject for the day was joy which I thought was interesting as I never gave the subject of joy much thought. Normally I thought more about what joy brings and not the actual creation of joy. Happiness and joy I learned are not the same. Joy comes from within and happiness is a byproduct of joy. 

Last week YFR posted an article on working with joy which called out that work satisfaction was more pronounced with individual emotional growth as opposed to growth in material gains.

Thinking back in my own career, I realized this is exactly what makes me happy at work and why I changed roles or left companies. Cultures that are uplifting and recognize individual contribution with honor and respect truly do drive corporate growth and can signficantly contribute to the overall corporate mission.

So how does one create joy? Joy needs to be cultivated and it takes effort to find ways to experience it.

Our group shared stories about managing perspective and finding the positive even in the negative. Stating three things you are grateful for first thing in the morning can have a positive effect on the rest of the day.  Joy is where you find it and is not the same for everyone.

 The group leader shared that humans have 3x more positive thoughts than negative ones but by default, we tend to share mostly negative thoughts. And when we share those negative experiences over and over, we put gloominess and negativity into the universe. Constant sharing of the negative mitagates any joy we might have created from within and simply becomes undone. 

What would happen in the world if we starting sharing only positive experiences? It’s been proven that sharing positive experiences boosts happiness and energy!

So what can we do to find joy from within? Here are some options that came from our group:

It all starts with a change of thought.   

Let go of the shit that brings you down and stop surrounding yourself with negative people. You really can choose who you talk to and surround yourself with.

Cleanse yourself- Drink more water, add Yoga, do Meditation, practice Mantra, and Abhyanga,

Eat more plant based or satvic products- give up the heavy stuff that is weighing down your body and thoughts.

Shake up your routine and try something new- did I mention all encompassing Yoga?

Share more positive experiences.

Speak your truth, you never know who is listening.

Forgive yourself and others. We are human afterall 🙂

Love yourself- you are powerless over everything except you. Isn’t this this truth? We can all be reminded to love ourselves once in awhile.

I’m on board with creating joy. It’s been a few weeks now since I’ve decided to actively seek out joy and I’m feeling great. Future forward I’m going to be that person who sees the cup half-full and not half empty. When asked how I was doing I had to catch myself a few times before answering with something positive.  It’s a work in progress but in the end I’m trying to be more mindful of my internal thoughts and outward communication and feeling great about adding more positive vibrations in the universe.

We are all recovering from something…

What you are recovering from doesn’t need a label but the journey to alleviate suffering always starts from within.

The face on this page is that of a recovering codependent.  An enabler. But it isn’t the whole story either. See – Happily Imperfect 5 Myths and 5 Truths about Codependency.

I had a hard time accepting that when I went to therapy years ago struggling with why so many of my interpersonal relationships were destructive and toxic for me.  I fell into a pattern of never having my needs met through ineffective dependency.

To admit I was coping for neglect with poor boundaries and that I was in fact part of my own problem made me feel weak.  I preferred the story that I was a survivor of abuse, of manipulative people.

But in order to heal I had to slowly change my story.  I had to admit that while behaving codependent had saved my ass many times in the past it was still a poor tool to use – tied to a cycle of addiction in my relationships.  The behaviors had helped me for a time but now that I was ‘aware’ they just weren’t getting me anywhere. 

Changing my story brought me to my next chapter, as I looked in the mirror and asked, “Why me?”  That’s when recovery really started to happen. 

What I found is that there was nothing to be ashamed about in the answer to, “Why me?”  I wasn’t weak or dumb or angry.  I was about as far from an emotional drama queen as one could get. 

When I really started looking at me without the filter of someone else’s view I could see that I am strong and confident.  I am empathetic and intuitive.  I am pretty happily content with myself and the world.  I am smart and capable. 

Really seeing myself for the first time led me to understand the ‘why me’ better.  I kept finding myself in the same relationship struggles over and over because of my good traits.  You can’t be locked into codependent relationships for your entire life without being all the good parts of you too or else you’d give up, stop trying, walk away.  I was in that slowly increasing hot water day in and day out because I really did care and kept trying to repair the broken areas because I inherently knew what happiness should look like and how to achieve it.  The people I was engaged with though – didn’t really know what to do with happiness.

It’s just like you are that super shiny, expensive and high-quality, rare and luxurious desire on the very top shelf that everyone really wants to reach up and have. People are drawn to you naturally because of all your good qualities but not everyone knows how to really take care of something that amazing, especially if they can’t even care for themselves well. If you put the care and keeping of YOU in the wrong hands you will be broken and abused. Not everyone can sustain appreciation of those types of values over a long period of time.

So, when I answered the question ‘why me’ – for myself things got much easier. Not that I didn’t make mistakes but I did decide the best person for the care and keeping of me was – ME. And I’ve slowly started to let others in but I really check and recheck now if their internal value matches mine.

That is my approach to self-care in recovery. 

The road through trauma and recovery takes us to resiliency

First – what is trauma?

There are three psychological needs of humans: relatedness, autonomy, and competence.  See The Science of Gratitude.  A trauma is individualized and interpreted by every human differently when any of these psychological needs is at risk.  It can be considered a trauma to be ‘isolated’ from relatedness if you think about long work hours staring at a computer screen.  This is a trauma inflicted by an individual’s decision to work that particular job but it still affects one the same regardless.  An ‘isolation’ trauma from relatedness can also occur if someone is physically threatened because they identify with a marginalized group thus causing them to isolate their true-self or even avoiding going out in public. 

Given the wide scope in which our psychological needs can be denied one can expect to experience some trauma across a lifetime no matter how you were raised or what individual events have shaped you.  Everyone is recovering from something.  

Second – why recovery?  

Anya Kemenetz’s article The Role of Yoga in Healing documents an interesting experience of young women finding the benefits of yoga in a correctional facility.  The yoga these girls experienced helped them regain some of their basic psychological needs.  And as expressed in the article, ‘recovery’ is not a single destination nor is it an isolated event.  The practice of yoga in a recovery mentality can be expressed physically, mentally, emotionally – hopefully through all three!  The destination of recovery is resiliency.  

How do we tie it all together?  

What is interesting is that while using yoga like a vehicle along the road of recovery is beneficial the eventual outcome is a day-to-day resiliency. First we learn to cope by either physically adjusting or connecting to our body in the yoga practice. Then we learn to exist in the struggle as we assimilate to the ‘language’ of yoga – the overall flow, instructions, and subtle anatomy. Finally we assimilate the full practice by breathing in the space that we’ve intentionally we created. We show up to practice on a regular basis, we allow ourselves to practice when we just don’t want to, we allow our yoga to be communal – seeking out like-minded individuals; maybe teaching or maybe giving back in some small way. Soon we find that we (as individuals) are on a super-resistant highway with our trauma in the rear-view and the destination we chose to set our navigation toward ahead. We end with our choice.

Greener Pastures

In recovery if we assume our destination is happiness, where the grass is greener; then what does that look like? We’re taking a first look at the world with a new experience having realized we were stuck in our suffering.

Ari Yeganeh wrote in his ConciousEd.org article: Happiness: what it means to live a happy life? that it may be a cake we bake ourselves. That we choose what gives us meaning, what to be grateful for, and to be fully aware of our place in the living daily world.

What does your cake of happiness taste like? Maybe ‘green’ is not on the other side out of reach but exactly where you stand right now.